I laid it down...and dared to move.

 

I had been carrying it on my shoulders like a 50 lb. bag as I walked down this long road of life.  On this day...an unremarkable day...I laid the burden of my life down.  Did you hear me?  I said,...I laid the "burden" I have carried all of my life...down.  I laid it down.

I.  LAID.  IT.  DOWN.

 

 

On this unremarkable day, after 25 years, I just let that 50lb. bag fall off my shoulder onto the dusty road.  Can I shout this achievement to the heavens and to everyone I know?  It is a heavy burden that I have carried since I was sexually abused at 14.  Why today, did I lay it down?  What did it?  To put it plainly...I was just done with it.

 

When that bag labeled SHAME, hit the ground, I swear the earth shook and moved.  The dust from the road swirled around me like a dust devil, from the heaving of that mass towards the earth.  My hair flowing around my face, caught up in the churning of the dust and wind.  At first I shielded my eyes from what I had just done.  Then ... then as the dust settled, I looked at what I had accomplished.  I looked at it lying there.  Looked back down the road, then looked up the road I had yet to travel.  Each outstretching straight and long, unable to see the beginning or the end.  I stood there breathing heavy, relieved of my burden.  I stood there taking stock of all I had just laid down, and reveling in the freedom I felt.  I realized, with new found delight, the lightness of my own self.  Now, ...now all I had to do was leave it behind on this road.  Leave it.  Just leave it.  But my feet were planted.  I stood there still contemplating picking it up or what to do with it.  Could I really just leave it here?  What would happen with it?  Why did I care?  It obviously had served a purpose and had had a payoff for me in carrying it around.  I could stand here and analyze what the payoff had been.  But I already knew.  I held onto that bag labeled SHAME, ... so I... so I.... so I didn't have to move forward and discover who I was without this as my identity.  It had been my security blanket.  But now, I had outgrown it.  Like a small child outgrows their "blankie".  I had security greater than this bag that lie in the road.  I have found and established a relationship  with my Heavenly Father.  The Father of all Father's...He is my true security now.

 

Now,...now I needed to just move.  I just needed to move before I thought about it anymore.  No thinking and analyzing like I always do.  No, I just needed to move.  I had to dare myself to move ahead.  I could see myself in my minds eye taking one step, ...two steps.  I stopped.  I took a look over my shoulder,...at who I had been and where I had carried that burden.  My footprints were deeper there...scaring the earth in my history.  I looked at them now...it was time to move.  I dared myself to leave it behind...that bag of SHAME in the road.

 

 

I dared myself to just leave the SHAME of being a woman who was molested by her father at 14.

 

I dared myself to leave the SHAME of being a woman whose mother was so broken herself, she could not get her child to safety.

 

I dared myself to leave the SHAME of not doing more, as a child, to get away from the abuse.

 

I dared myself to leave the SHAME of what is, isn't, should and shouldn't be in my relationships with my father, mother, sisters, and brother.

 

I dared myself to leave the SHAME of the separation my husband and I had 4 years ago.

 

I dared myself to leave the SHAME of the bully inside my head that beats me up with the reel of negative thoughts over and over.

 

I dared myself to leave the inheritance of SHAME, that I take on as my own.

 

 

 

No.  I say no.  It stops now.  I lay it down now.  I lay it down today,...here and now.

 

 

I looked up at the road ahead.  I would look no more at the road behind and what laid at my feet.  I would hang my head no more, in the body language answer of SHAME.  No, I would lift my head up.  I would lift my face up to the light, the light shining down and all around me.  The light that encompasses me every day....the light that guides, warms, feeds, and is my compass and security.  That Heavenly light.  I would hold my head high and receive all it had to offer.

 

My feet started walking again...slowly at first.  Then faster and faster....suddenly my feet broke into a run and I was eating up the earth, putting distance between myself and that burden.

 

 

I was lifting my face to the light above me and ahead of me, and moving towards all that I could be without the SHAME.  Running towards all that I wanted to be, needed to be, and desired to be with the deepest parts of my soul.  Those soul yearning places where God has been gently breaking me apart to reveal HIS full light filled creation in me, by peeling away the SHAME layers of my earthly family inheritance.  Revealing my true inheritance in HIM.

 

 

I have carried the burden of SHAME from the sexual and emotional abuse I received as a child, for 25 years.  I have spent the last 25 years piling more of my own created shame on top of that which was given to me.  Today, I release what was given to me, back then, and I will take on no one elses shame nor create more for myself.  This particular blog post, is me pouring out my heart and painting with my words.  I actually had a moment where I closed my eyes and visualized all that I have written here.  I was already wanting to let the SHAME go, but visualizing it was what helped me to get unstuck and to solidify it more.  The visualizing, writing, and sharing...that, is Artful Living.

 

 

- What burden do you carry that you need to lay down?

- Is there a payoff with keeping it?

- What is that payoff?

- How is this burden weighing you down in your daily life?

- How is it holding you back?

-How is it impacting your daily life? Negatively? Positively?

- Could you use visualization as a tool to see yourself, putting your burden down or someplace else?

-Do you think the tool of visualization could help aid you in letting go of the burden you carry?

 

 

Here is a song by Switchfoot called, "Dare You To Move", that helped inspire the visualization of my letting go of my burden.  I hope it inspires you right where you are.

 



 

 

Challenge: Use the visualization technique to help you to let go of a burden you carry in your daily life.  Let your imagination sore.  Let God into the moment with you.  See yourself with your burden.  See yourself letting it go.  See yourself without it.  See yourself with God and where He is leading you.
 

 

 "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered in shame." - Psalms 34:4-5

"Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you." - Psalms 25:20

"To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God.  Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.  No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse." - Psalms 25:1-3



Gratitude: The Lens For Uncovering Beauty

I stood in the golden morning sunlight at the kitchen sink.  It was there again.  The shimmer of the spider's web on the window sill.  I wiped away the little web for the 5th time that week.  It was a little game Mr. Spider and I had going.  I would wipe away his pesky web each morning and the next morning his web would be rewoven.  By this 5th morning, I marveled at his tenaciousness, patience, and his delicate sculpture flirting in the morning sunlight.  I was entranced with this one single moment of my day.  Captured in my own childlike awe and wonder at my Father's creation.  I realized that in that moment, I was so grateful for seeing something beautiful...again.  I was grateful,...that I was able to feel gratitude.

 



As a child I had this awe and wonder in me at all times. 

Then...then I grew up, and got a really "big life".  Job, husband, kids, house, schedules, and schedules for schedules.  My "big life" was too big for awe and wonder.  Then the day came in my "big life", where I stood at that same kitchen sink and wanted to run out the front door and run away from my really "big life", and into the arms of the awe and wonder of my youth.  This was all there was?  Have you ever wondered that?  Is this it?  This is all there is?  I thought there would be "more" at this point in life.  But no more was to be had.  I had every earthly thing there was to have....yet something was missing.  Do you know what that was?

Joy.

 

J. O. Y.  Three simple letters that encompassed the "more" I sought.  I remembered Joy from my youth.  I had to close my eyes and sit with my memories.  Those bittersweet memories.  I was a child who knew hurt and rejection, yet some how I had found Joy in the midst of the that pain.  How had I done it then, yet could not find it now?  I didn't have the pain I had then, any more?  How had I done it?  I then remembered.  I lived in the moment.  I stayed present.  And I found gratitude for the moments of awe and wonder that permeate children's minds.

 

So, I started an experiment with myself and tried on the ways of my youth again.  I sat with memories to help guide me.  I spent more time getting into my children's world.  I spent more time getting small.  I got really, really small.  Getting out of my "big life".  And you know what I found?  I found the "more" I had been looking for.

 

Gratitude was the lens for uncovering the beauty in the midst of my everyday life.  These moments with beauty...led to JOY.

 

 

My "big life" wasn't so big after all.  It was the smallest of moments that magnified God, that were the "big life"... the FULLNESS of LIFE.

 

 

Challenge: In this month of November, we celebrate Thanksgiving only one day.  I want to extend an invitation to be thankful for each of the days in November.  An invitation to come up with at least one thing each day of this month that you are grateful for.  Journal them, tack them up on the fridge, pin them up on a bulletin board, or just Facebook one a day.  When we start thinking and writing for a project like this, we tend to think on a Level 1 of writing of gratitudes.  For example,  "I'm thankful for my job, my spouse, God, kids, etc."  I would challenge you to get to that Level 2 of deeper gratitudes. Take a look at the examples below. Get your children involved and have fun seeing how you grow and change in the level of Joy you experience in your life. 



 

Here is a little inspiration.  Below are a few things I am thankful for:
 

1.) The freckles on my daughter's nose.

2.) The gap between my son's two front teeth that allows him to make a whistling noise when he pronounces any word with an "s".

3.) My husband's hands...the hands that work to provide for us,...tend to boo boo's,...and hold me at night.

4.) The warmth of a hot cup of coffee on a crisp morning.

5.) My eyes...my sight...the sight I have today.

6.) Heated car seats.

7.) The smell of the leaves on the forest floor in Autumn.

8.)  My cleaning lady.

9.) All of my girlfriend's hugs...their knowing looks in their eyes...and their reassuring squeezes of the hand.

10.) That my children, today,...in this moment are still loving mama hugs and cuddles.



"He has made everything beautiful in its time." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

"Be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 18

 



Artfully Connecting To God

I must admit...I had a recent bout of writers block!  I have  not had that as a problem for a long time!  The words always flow and are right there! I was completely blindsided. I would be sitting at my computer and ..... (crickets, crickets, crickets). 

So I would walk away and take some time and busy myself with something else I needed to get done.  Days went by.  I was really off my game. I had lost my mojo!  If you haven't guessed by my other posts, I'm someone who strives to have a deep personal spiritual bond with God.  He is at the center of my being.  I try much of the time to wait for His guidance in much of what I write.  I wasn't even feeling connected to God during this time of writers block.  I have always said that I feel like God meets me on the page.  All feels in sinc when I'm writing...I feel like I am operating from a core or authentic place.  It is effortless,when I am in my "sweet spot"!  So lately I had been feeling like both writing and my connection to my core, God, were not going well. These were red flags that something was off.

It was time to stand back and take a look at my daily life.  I knew what the issue was....my daily life was out of balance.  Most of my energy was going to a volunteer project that means alot to me. While a wonderful cause, it had become very consuming.  I had gotten so busy with this project, that my family had started to take a back seat to the tasks required of my new commitment.  And now I was feeling the effects of it taking a toll on my creative abilities and finally my spiritual connection. 

So, I needed to get a bit more organized and balanced about fitting everything in, and setting boundaries for myself.  Then I needed to be patient and trust that my writing would come when I made time for God.  So, I started all of this.  Gradually the organization helped balance return with my family, the boundaries helped ease tension, and I felt peace in "trusting" that I would again be creative.  As far as my connection to God, I kept doing everything I had been taught and saw my friends do, to connect to Him.  Prayer, listening, reading and studying,....on and on I went, day after day....I felt nothing.   So I spent more time in prayer, reading, giving, listening, being present,... doing all I was to do to connect to God.  Still nothing. 

One night, while with friends, our host talked about his struggle to find a church where worshiping felt comfortable.  He finally found a church where the worship style really spoke to him.  He was perplexed as to why he didn't like what he had been raised with and was more moved by the worship style of his current church.  His pastor friend theorized that he had a "Worship Style" that did not match with how he had been raised.  It was suggested that he take an online test to find out his worship style.  To find out the individual way that God and he connect.  I was completely intrigued!  While I had struggled with the very same thing for many years as my friend, I was currently having more trouble connecting with God on a daily basis.  I wondered if finding out my own worship style would help me with feeling connection with God and feeling "in sinc" again.

The very next day I got online to try an online "worship style" test.  The information from that, was a complete shift in my attitude!   Everything came into focus with my results!!!  Before I tell you my results, I will outline the "worship styles" that have been identified in research.   They are:

Naturalist

Sensate

Traditionalist

Ascetics

Activists

Caregiver

Enthusiast

Contemplative

Intellectual

 

These are suggested as the various unique and individual ways that God connects with us.  We not only connect with something greater than ourselves but with our true selves as well.  

 

What were my results for how God connects with me?  #1) SENSES  #2) INTELLECTUAL  #3) tied for the following... CONTEMPLATIVE and NATURALIST.  These results made so much sense to me.  I was only living ways to connect that scored much lower.  But I was neglecting my top three ways to connect.  This made me realize why music played such an important part in moving my soul.  It answers the question of why I always felt closest to God while doing art, reading, writing and being in nature.  But to go even deeper, I realized my memories of experiences from childhood were "in sinc" with the results of my test.  In going over those memories, they were moments where I felt "one" with something larger than myself.  Like I was my most authentic me and felt that God was present.  As a child I was not taught about God nor did we really go to church, so I am not sure that I realized what I was experiencing.  I do remember feeling complete Joy and Peace and feeling like I was really being myself and that something larger was at work.  Now, as an adult, when I intentionally connect with God...I now realize, this is what I was doing as a child,...even with not knowing Him then, He was still reaching out to me.  I will share some memories. Maybe it will help you to remember and to notice how you also connect daily.

 

- As a child I remember getting up early, before my family, on crisp Fall mornings, to ride my bike.  With blue and white streamers flying; my breath visible in front of my face;  a scratchy wool toboggan pulled down over my ears;  the birds;  the morning light streaming through the yellow, orange, and red leaves of the trees; my tire tracks in the dew on the grass.  I used to love this!!!  Looking back it was one of my favorite ways to connect with God as a child..A Total Naturalist, Sensate, and Contemplative moment!

- As a child I could often be found up in a Magnolia tree in full bloom in the spring, drawing all of the blossoms on the tree.  Another Naturalist, Sensate, and Contemplative moment.

 

- Picking the vegetables out of the garden at our farm, and then helping my mother prepare meals with those colorful and aromatic vegetables.  All the while, my science teacher mother, describing how these vegetables grew and the scientific reasons for why they were good for us to eat.  Senses, Nature, and Intellectual again. 

- Since a small child, music has always been a large part of feeling connected to something larger than myself.  The lyrics and tune, when just right, can move my soul....that would be a combination of Senses and Intellectual.

- I have kept journals since I was 9 years old.  This was my place of freedom. Always painting with my words on those infinite pages.  I have come to know in my adult years, that God definitely meets me on the page.  This would be the way I Intellectually and Contemplatively connect with God. 

 

 As I looked back over the memories, engaging my senses, being in nature, reading and writing have always been pivotal for my connection with God.  I have learned something new...or maybe old...about myself and God, that helps me to go forward in my daily busy life and help me to stay balanced and centered.

 

How do you worship God?

How do you connect on a daily basis with God?

If you knew your unique way, how would this impact your daily life?

If you know; are you able to worship in the way that best works for both you and God?

If you are not worshiping God in your unique way, what is holding you back?

What changes do you need to make to implement your unique connective pathways?

What can you do to help your children find their worship style?

How can you encourage your children to connect with God in their own unique way?

 

 

There are many online tests out there...the easiest I found was at http://common.northpoint.org/sacredpathway.html

The book "Sacred Pathways - Discover Your Soul's Path to God" by Gary L. Thomas can be found at

www.amazon.com/Sacred-Pathways-Discover-Your-Souls/dp/0310329884

 



Challenge:  Find out your way to connect with God and try living it out a little each day or week.  Pay attention to any changes within you and your relationship with God.  Pay attention to your mood and feelings while doing it and how you feel afterwards.

"I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are your works; and that my soul knows right well." - Psalm 139:14-16

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."- Ephesians 2:10

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.  The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." - Romans 8:14-15

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." - Psalm 32:8

Perfectly imperfect artist's



"Life is the Art of drawing without an eraser."
- John Gardner



 

 

When I was in Design school, my classes were a mixture of design, architecture, and art.  I remember taking a drawing class, where most days were all about "timed" drawings.  We would all be in a circle with our easels and there would be a still life set up in the center of the circle we formed.  The instructor would start a timer and we had a minute to sketch EVERYTHING in the still life.  Then she would take it down to 30 seconds to sketch the entire still life.  Then 10 and eventually only 3 seconds to sketch it all.  While this exercise is good for many reasons, the one that always jumps out at me is that it gets you over the phobia of "doing it wrong" or "making a mistake".  You didn't have time to worry about it, you just did it.  We would just be ourselves and do it. When we were done with the exercises, we would walk around and look at each others easels full of sketches.  We all had the same subject matter at the center of our work; the still life.  But each easel had a vastly different style.  A completely individual look.   Every easel of sketches, was different and unique. 

 

 The mistakes within the sketches became part of our beautiful style and being our authentic self. 

When a designer is starting to put pen to paper, they use a paper known as vellum.  It is a very thin transparent paper that you can see through.  It comes on a roll and is used in the ideation and sketching process to start most projects.  It is considered a scratch paper or trash paper if you will. You tear off a sheet, tape it down and do your rough idea sketch.  The beauty of this paper is that you can then continue to tear off sheets from the roll and then layer them on top of the first sheet and refine your underlying idea sketch.  Most times, I would end up with around 30 layers of vellum paper before I had my final drawing. (This was more popular in the days before CAD (Computer Aided Drafting), but is still used in the ideation process or in the field.)  Funny thing was, you never worried about a stray line or a wrong idea, you just kept sketching and layering until you got to that top sheet which you would then use to trace onto the final drawing.  ALL of the underlying layers were still there and used.  All of the sheets where ideas and sketches were less than perfect or finished, were still there aiding in the final top layer.

 

 Each imperfect layer was an important part of the final product. 

 

I think the greatest lesson that I learned in those classes, is that as a budding designer and artist, 

 

there are no mistakes.  The imperfections are perfection.

 

These are always my last words to my children each time I sit them down to blank piece of paper or canvas.  Invariably one of them, will have a moment in their drawing or paintings that is not what they had envisioned.  Sometimes, one of my children will even have tears over the disappointment in what they believe to be a mistake in their art.  I always come to their sides and remind them again,

 

"There are no mistakes when creating your art." 

 

 

In coming alongside of them, we talk about ideas of what they could do with the "stray" line or their so called "wrong" color.  How it can be worked into their work of art and how it can become richer and maybe even better than what they imagined.  Last night, my son drew an apple and he was dissatisfied with it's overall shape.  He claimed it looked flat on one side.  On his own he turned his paper so that the apple looked as if it was resting on it's side....as if it had fallen to the ground and landed on it's flattened side.  He proceeded to draw a rock under the flattened side of the apple and was off and running with a completely different story for his drawing.  When completed, my son beamed and commented on how much more satisfied he was with the "mistake" in his drawing and where it had led him.  We looked at his drawing together, and my son proceeded to describe each part of his picture in detail, constantly marveling over the

 "once mistake", becoming a unique beautiful perfection. 

 

 

I can't help but think over my life and how many mistakes I have made and how God has intervened and made them a unique beautiful perfection.  Through Him and in Him these once thought of mistakes in life become an incredible beauty to behold. He finds a way to show me how to take my mess...mistakes...hurts,... my "trash", and turn it into "treasure"!  How cool is that! Our Creator is an Artist and Designer himself.  I find so many times that I am like my children, looking at my canvas (my life) and I suddenly realize with dissatisfaction that I have made a mistake on my painting of life.  Some how, he speaks to me and gives me a different way to look at my imperfect paint stroke (a decision or situation or hurt or anger) and helps me to find a way to integrate it into the most amazing painting on my canvas of life.  It is always better than anything I imagined myself.

 If our lives were "paint by number", how boring would that be?!

Be Yourself.

Be fully who you were made to be.

Live fully right where you are.

See the so called "trash" in your life as potential "treasures".

 

Finding a way to turn messes and mistakes into a work of art.....THAT is Artful Living!

 

Here is a little inspiration from Mercy River, called "Beautiful Life".  Enjoy!



 

 

 

 

 



This Week:
What "yuck" is going on in your life right now?
Have you recently made a mistake or realized, in hind sight, you made a mistake?
Are you nursing a wound, a hurt?
What decisions for forward movement, healing, and peace of mind, need to be made?
What potential "Work of Art" lies within your "yuck"?
How is our Creator, the ultimate Artist and Designer, guiding you to be creative with your mistake?


"For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago." - Ephesians 2:10

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." - Psalm 19:1



Being Comfortable in the Uncomfortable

I'm a mess.  Yes, that's right, I said it. A hot mess.  It was my birthday and I was standing with my backside facing the large wall mirror. All the while, looking into the hand held mirror in my hand at my bikini clad reflection in the larger mirror behind me. Ladies,... I am sure you all know what I was doing.  Yes, I was looking at my 39 year old hiney and wondering if I was brave enough to hit the very public and populated beaches of Newport, California.  I had wanted to head to the beach for my birthday.  Wanted to escape the summer heat of Arizona and enjoy the surf.  (Sigh.) Let me tell you, it was not one of my finer moments. I was having a body image meltdown in the tiny hotel room with overanxious children ready to head to the beach.  My husband was exasperated with me and all out of words to sooth my fragile female insecurities. Not fun.  Here I stood looking at my backside in the, ever growing larger, hotel mirror.  Seriously, when had my butt gotten so lumpy?  My bottom looked as if it was melting down my thighs!  When had the junk in my trunk gotten...old and messy?  The panic started to rise.  I had only packed a bikini and a one piece.  They each had their redeeming qualities and each their downfalls.  My mind was swirling. (I told you, I'm a mess.)  It was the start of MY day.  MY Birthday!  I can't let a little thing like a lumpy butt set the tone for my day. Ok, ok, I had to think about this...maybe it was the lighting... so I turned just a little more towards the light....(gasp!) NOT!.  I put the mirror down and covered my face with my hands.  I had the fleeting thought of emergency texting my friend who is a personal trainer, "EMERGENCY! I have a lumpy rump!  Must meet and fix ASAP!"  My more practical side prevailed.  I settled on the one piece, threw a sarong around my waist and faced the mirror and told myself, I had a day to cease.  I was going to walk out that door and pretend like I had the "saweeetest" hiney in the world. I was going to

fake it 'til I could make it. 

I ended up having an amazing day!  Lumpy hiney and all!  I played with my kids and husband in the surf most of the early afternoon.  My kids told me numerous times at the beach how much fun they were having with me in the waves.  We all laughed at ourselves and at each other the entire time.  Great memories were made.  Though, I must admit, I did think to myself many times how uncomfortable I felt, even while having fun.  I forced myself to sit with the uncomfortable feelings of less than pretty and feeling old.  I sat with those until I could separate the "feelings" from my "being".  In the end, great joy was found in the day.  But I pushed myself to
 

be comfortable in the uncomfortable.
 

I am a mess.  Yes,.... I said it again.  I am a hot mess.  Come on over to my house and you will find dust bunnies living full lives in the deep recesses of my home.  Dirty dishes in the sink.  They are practically a requirement for daily life.  Doggie paw prints on the sliding glass doors, are a considered a work of art here.  Paper piles, art supplies, hot glue guns, and crayons are found at arms length most anywhere in my home.  Toothpaste crust in the sink of the kids bathroom grows exponentially.  My closets and dressers are actually not too bad.  But that might be due to us constantly pulling clean outfits from the stacks of clean laundry in the laundry baskets.  The fridge is never fully stocked.  The dirty laundry in the laundry room is piled at least 2 feet high on top of the dryer.  I have probably 10 half done home improvement projects that have been sitting around for, oh....um...maybe a minimum of two years.  I can no longer see the front of my refrigerator for the "art collage project"  I'm working on entitled, "Kids papers, reminders, schedules, baby sitter and dog grooming phone numbers."   I am a mess.  I will admit, that staying open to people coming into my home despite the mess, is very challenging for me.  I try hard to be comfortable in the uncomfortable on this issue.  Strides are made to have people welcomed into my home, even when the house is in a sorry state.  Funny thing, they haven't run screaming, but instead return over and over.  Still loving and caring for me even in my homes' ebb and flow, from messy to tidy and back to messy again.  Much to my surprise it is not a factor in our relationships.  It is so difficult to let someone see my 'mess', in my home.  Now, bear in mind, that this is still a work in progress, for me.  I'll be honest, this being comfortable in the uncomfortable is tough stuff.  I think the uncomfortable feeling in this situation is that I am afraid of being rejected or unloved if someone sees my messy home.  

 

I certainly don't have this all figured out. Have I told you I'm a mess?  The other day I prayed for the first time in a group of people.  Prayer has always been a very, very, private thing for me. So this was completely out of my comfort zone.  For some reason I had a fleeting moment of bravery and volunteered myself to lead a group of ladies in prayer.  My cheeks went hot, palms were sweating, couldn't think straight, and worse yet I had nothing coming to mind to say!  What was I thinking?!  Being in the moment and exposed for the poor prayer "sayer" that I am, sent my heart racing.  All thought ceased in my brain.  To top it off, the group I offered to lead in prayer was a group of women belonging to a christian women's group!  I'm going to be found out!  The panic was rising as I stood there holding hands with these ladies, feeling so vulnerable and uncomfortable.  But amazingly, I started speaking.  The words came.   I have no idea how, but they did.  They were not pretty and eloquent like so many in that circle that I have heard before.  What I spoke was messy and awkward and I think I even quoted a line from a song...(insert eyeroll)!  The uncomfortable feeling in this situation, was appearing ignorant, and uninspiring.  I didn't want to lose their respect.  What I found was great joy with myself that I took on the challenge, persevered, and came out on the other side. I realized I had completely jumped into the abyss of the uncomfortable and decided to just sit with that uncomfortable feeling of being "less than adequate".  But was I really "less than adequate"?  Was that the truth? No.  My being...who I am...was not that negative feeling of "less than adequate".

 A funny thing happens when you sit with the uncomfortable feeling.  You start to separate the "feeling" from who you are as a person.  That uncomfortable feeling is not your truth or your authentic self.

 

You start to realize that you CAN feel comfortable in the uncomfortable once you separate the two.  Why are these moments, like the examples above, so important in our lives?  They are great practice for when the harder times come.  God tells us that "it is not if the hard times will come, but when the difficult times will come to pass."  These smaller situations that I described above are great practice for the tougher times in life.  Great strength is gained in pushing oneself through these moments.  Making realizations that we WILL get through to the other side of challenging times.  That there is life beyond the uncomfortable and that our personal truth is not our negative emotion.   There is great opportunity that lies within the uncomfortable.  Gains in personal growth, confidence, less negative inner monologue, character, and stronger faith.  JOY is a choice.  One can make the decision to choose to find the JOY in any situation.  When we keep ourselves in the negative feelings or worse yet, avoiding the negative feelings, we miss out on the JOY to be found. Though many of us, myself included, struggle with even the above situations; bikini's, messy homes, and praying in a groups.  By facing and sitting in the uncomfortable feelings and getting through those, I opened myself up to experience the joy of of living fully right where I was.  THAT is Artful Living!  

So how can we build our tolerance muscles, for being comfortable in the uncomfortable? We start small.  Then we work up from there.  Here are some example ideas to get you started. 

- Write with your non-dominant hand.
- Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed.
- Change up your drive to work.
- Speak when you normally wouldn't speak. Stay quiet when you wouldn't normally stay quiet.
- Wear something you wouldn't normally wear.
- Change up your routine of the day.
- Eat something you don't like.
- Listen to an entire cd that you don't like.

Try coming up with your own list of things you might try.  Start small, but try to really challenge yourself.

 

  Remember, there are opportunities and great gains in the challenges of life.

This Week:
Try one thing each day, this week, that is out of your comfort zone.  Sit with the discomfort.  Then ask yourself, "What is the uncomfortable feeling I am having?"  Once you have identified it, do further self inquiry into the why of the uncomfortable feeling.  Do some soul searching. See if you can separate that negative emotion from your identity.  At the end of the week, take stock of each thing you tried, and ask yourself, "What have I learned?  How have I grown?  Do I feel stronger and ready to take on the next level of challenges?"   Be creative and have fun! 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:6-8

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:11


The Path Behind Us

I couldn't move.  I couldn't go forward.  I couldn't go backwards. Moving left or right to go around the cars in front of me was not an option.  I had to wait. There were so many cars in front of me on the road that I couldn't see what was up ahead. That "running 10 minutes early" that I had going for me earlier was now undone and quickly changing into "running 10 minutes late".  I sighed a very audible sigh.  "Great", I thought, "I made preparations to be ahead today, and now I am behind.  I can't see how long this line of traffic is up ahead of me.  I can't move forward and must just wait where my car sits."  I smile and snicker to myself at the irony of my predicament.  My lonely "getting nowhere" situation seemed to match the mood I was in with the current affairs of my life.  Feeling like God has left me all alone and I'm not moving forward, for all the work I'm putting in.  Feeling like I'm not getting anywhere and virtually standing still in my life.  I also noticed I felt very alone in this sea of cars, which seemed similar to what was happening in my life that day. Feeling like God had left me all alone.

Ahhh, another long sigh.  I turned up the radio to push away the negative thoughts and feelings that were mounting in my mind.  Those familiar feelings of feeling like I am treading water all alone and that I am completely failing at all I am trying to accomplish.  I reached for the dial on the radio again, as it just wasn't loud enough to drown out the negaitve inner monologue and lonely feeling I had building.  

I sat there completely immobile letting myself be carried away by the song on the radio.  It was a great song by Britt Nicole, called "All this time". (Song included at the end of this blog.) I had never really listened to the words before, but today the words hit me in a particularly different way.  Her song is about how God has been there all of her life and that she has never been alone.  That He has always been right beside her.  In the joys and the pains of life. Her whole life.  

I looked up at the rear view mirror and adjusted it.  The road behind me was so long.  The infinite line of cars glittered in the mirage of watery heat from the pavement.  In fact, the road behind me went on and on and on.   

My mind returned to Britt Nicole's melodic voice on the car radio..."You were always there.  It was just You and I. You've been walking with me all this time...." 

Sitting there looking at the path behind me and listening to the prophetic words of the song, triggered a shift in my attitude. 

So much of our lives we are told to always look at the road ahead of us and not look back.  Though, when we are stuck, in a holding pattern, or feeling like we are getting no where in life, maybe that is when we need to stop looking ahead. Maybe that is when we need to look at how far we have come and that we were never alone in our journey.  Looking behind at the long road, it struck me how far I have come in my life.  All that I have overcome and accomplished.  Britt Nicole's song hit's close to home for me, as I can remember being "that" girl who had "that day" in her bedroom with no one to turn to trying to be strong.  He was there that day and everyday since.  I could see it all...as I looked behind me.

Sitting in the middle of traffic on an idle weekday in Phoenix, I let the words of a song soak into my heart and permeate it in the deepest fashion.  I thought over all that I was currently dealing with and it was nothing compared to all that I have come through. Each past difficulty and each amazing joy I have had, He was there.  No one else may have been present, but He was there.  Even in the days when I refused to come to Him.  He was there. Look at how long and beautiful the path is behind me!  I was never alone.

Such deep thoughts for a random moment in the car while sitting in traffic.  Right?  But this is exactly what I try to write about...Artful Living.  In our most common of moments, He is there with us and speaking to us. If we can just open ourselves up and listen closely, He is speaking to us in the ways that reach us.  

Eventually, the cars in front of me started to move and I was moving forward, but with a renewed appreciation and a more positive outlook.  Even when I think I'm alone and getting no where, I have only to look at the long well accomplished path behind me and see and that I have come through so much...and He was there at every turn.  

That is Artful Living!

THANK YOU!

A big "thank you" to my amazing creative sister, Alyssa Finney Chew, for taking the above photo of the path for my story!  You rock!  Check out her photography at Lifeology Photography. 

This week:

Take some time this week and see if you are able to see the extraordinary in the ordinary.  What lessons are the small moments of life trying to teach you?  Try listening for God's direction in the common moments of life. 

"God will show me the path of life." (Psalm 16:11)

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." (Psalm 119:105)

"I trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding.  In all my ways I acknowledge Him and He directs my paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

(Thought you might enjoy hearing Britt Nicole's song, "All this time". Lyrics are below.)

Britt Nicole - "All This Time" Lyrics

I remember the moment

I remember the pain

I was only a girl

But I grew up that day

Tears were falling

I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom

So alone

I was doing my best

Trying to be strong

No one to turn to

That's when I met You

All this time

From the first tear cry

To today's sunrise

And every single moment between

You were there

You were always there

It was You and I

You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day

it's been clear to me

That no matter what comes

You will never leave

I know You're for me

And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure

Every broken dream

You're the God who sees

The God who rescued me

This is my story

This is my story

All this time

From the first tear cry

To today's sunrise

And every single moment between

You were there

You were always there

It was You and I

You've been walking with me all this time.

I hear these people asking me

How do I know what I believe?

Well I'm not the same me

And that's all the proof I need

I felt Love I felt Your grace

You stole me heart that day

The True Beauty Within

I can just picture him.  Dusty, thin,... the orginal "starving artist".  Looking harried, pensive, and a bit wild eyed as he walked through the marble mines of Carrara, Italy.  His hands caressing the ancient hardened earth. His eyes moving over the surface looking for the purest block of stone.  No veining.  It had to be unblemished and smooth, so as to represent the skin of the Holy beings he wished to release.  I imagine him mumbling in prayer to God.  Asking HIM to direct his eyes and hands to the "one".  The block of marble that held within it, a masterpiece that God, himself, desired of this sculptor to release.  The moment must have been exquisite when he found "it".  The "one".  The true form in that block of earth, the Lord of Heaven masterfully asked of Michelanglo to release.   I have read of the massive pully systems that were built to bring these giants of stone down from the mountain.  The men that strained under the weight of God's will, that worked through a dirty stubborn man.  Michelangelo would often build a shed around the rock, to conceal his work.  Every time he committed himself, body and soul, to the "taking away" of the excess, to release the beauty within.  He was known for praying over his task, asking God to direct his hands to release HIS truest form that had always been within the block of earth.  It had only to be released by the guidance and love of a masterful God through the hands of a skilled sculpture.  Many times, after months of eating only stale bread and barely bathing, Michelangelo would remove the walls of the temporary veiling structure.  The sculpture that his God had known was always there was revealed.  The true "beauty" that God had created for this unlikely piece of earth.  The "excess" had been chiseled away and the true identity born for all to see.    

Michelangelo, preferred sculpting marble to any other form of art.  He did paint beautifully, but is quoted in letters to his father that he preferred the marble to any other form of art, because of this "taking away" of the excess to reveal the "true identity" God had created.  A deeply religious and obviously spiritual man, he felt God guided his skillful hands and eyes in the inward searching of every sculpture.

Many of us go through life not being our true selves.  I've been there.  It was exhausting living up to others expectations, or my own unrealistic expectations, and trying to be something I was not.  I lived cloaked in fear and doubt.  When I decided that the facade was too much to keep, the taking away of the excess was akin to breaking apart.  My chiseling journey is still not complete, but far enough along that the truer figure is emerging. The process that Michelangelo used to carve marble is amazingly similar to the process of excavating the true self and knowing ourselves as God sees us.  If you are someone who is exhausted and desires to free your authentic self, here are a few questions to get you started.   

Are you currently living in your true identity?  Your true beauty? Who God created you to be?

What "excess" have you acquired in your life? 

What do you need to chisel away and break down to find the truest form of yourself?

What have you put around your true self?  What form does your cloaking come in?  The form of fear? Anger? Sadness? Denial? Others Expectations? Your High Expectations? Protection? Your past history?

Can you visualize yourself without this/these? 

What would you look like if Michelangelo chiseled away the heavy  facade? 

This week:
Try a visualization exercise, wherein you try to see the "excess" falling away, and see your authentic self emerging.  Once you see it, what do you look like?  Act like?  Can you remember a time when the facade was not in place?  When you were your authentic self?  What action steps can you take towards excavating your true beauty and living it out loud?  Repeat the visualization as often as you need.  This exercise is great inspiration for yourself!

"Our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace." - Psalm 144:12

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."- Galatians 1:10

"You are a light of the world like a city on a mountain, glowing in the night for all to see.  Don't hide your light under a basket!  Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all." - Matthew 5:14-15

"For we are God's masterpiece, He created us anew in Christ Jesus so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."- Ephesians 2:10

Is God my personal chef?

I stood at the island in my kitchen in front of a line up of plates, realizing I was probably making my million and 71st peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and my billionth bowl of Campbell's Lightening McQueen's chicken and noodle soup.  When had I become a "chef"?  (By the way, that term is used loosely in this particular example.)

My next thought was a bit nasty.  "I did NOT go to college to become a cook."  My mind traveled back in time and I quickly ran through the six years I spent in college, just to make sure.  I thought of my numerous presentations of thought provoking and cutting edge designs for the "crits" in design school.  The inspiring discussions late at night with my fellow studio mates on our design theories.  (Sigh).  Yes.  I thought so.  I definitely had not gone to college to become a "short order cook".  Whew!

See, here's the deal. My daughter only wants peanut butter, my son wants soup, my husband wants something tasty and healthy, and I just want to skip dinner and go straight to dessert!  Some days I feel like between all of the taste preferences, I could be standing in that kitchen non-stop!

I can't always prepare what they want because it is not always what is best for them. 

I need to make sure they are getting healthy food, and that I am not spending my life in the kitchen being a "short order cook" and becoming a burnt out wife and mom.  Now, with all of the thoughtful catering and tailoring, of snacks and meals, and careful consideration for the health of my family, invariably, one of them walks past what I have prepared for them and complains, "I never get what I want!" (or) "You never care about what I want!"  This day was no exception.  I personally was trying quite hard to keep the anger and lack of appreciation in my heart from building to a level where this mama got "snappy" with her dearhearts.  I stood there grumbling under my breath sentences like, "I did not go to college all those years to be your personal chef!" Or, "This family just doesn't appreciate what I do for them!"  (Yes, this is the nasty me.)

Then it hit me...I wonder if this is how I treat God?

Am I running from what has been prepared for me?  Complaining, "I never get what I want!" And, "You never care about what I want!"

First my thoughts went to how must God feel when I treat him this way?  I know he stills loves me, just as I still love my own children, even when they are ungrateful and turn from what I have prepared.  He comes to me over and over with HIS perfectly prepared moments of life and I can only reject, complain, or accept HIS offerings begrudgingly.  I think how much it hurts me when my family does this to me, and yet I do this many times to my Heavenly Father.

Why do I think I know what is best for me?

Just like my children, I know only what I want to eat for that moment.  Or what my tastebuds are craving...in the moment.  I am not thinking about the bigger picture or down the road.  I can only see here and now.  Just as my children have to trust that I know what is best for their meals, I too must trust God in his choices and timing in my life.  Just as my children think they know better than I, what is the best meal for dinner; I do the same with God in life choices and the time table of life events.  So I guess, the next time a prayer is still not being answered or something happens in my day that does not fit my schedule or is in my plan, I need to remember to humble myself and thank my Father, who loves me unconditionally, for His perfectly prepared buffet called "my life".

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:18

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9