Waiting

'Was I waiting on Him or was He waiting on me?'  This was one of the myriad of thoughts I was having as I stood on top of a telephone pole that had a top the diameter of 10"!!  I was taking part in the Leap of Faith exercise at a women's retreat.  My next thought was a curse word.  Literally!  Some one later told me that I said it out loud...I thought I had said it in my head!!!!  Hmmmm, saying a curse word at a Christian's Women's Retreat...well, there is raw and authentic for ya!

So, my next  thought was, 'How did I get here standing on top of a very tall pole in Prescott, Arizona?'  I was getting ready to jump off and out to a bar about 10 feet in front of me with the scenery of Northern Arizona outstretched before me.  'Hu?'  Everything looked peaceful.  The breeze through the pine trees, the rolling hills, the bird fly...ing...past...my...head?  'Hm.'  But I was not so peaceful inside.

I started trying to visualize.  This was in an effort to stop the emotions running rampant in my head.  I tried to imagine the 10" circle I was standing on as a whole floor outstretched around me. Inner monologue: 'Imagining....imagining...uh...not gonna work.  This is a Christian Retreat, I'll just imagine ethereal music playing with God and his flowing robes, arms outstretched....yeah, that's a bit of a stretch.  Ok, let's try practical.  I'm harnessed and hooked up to a cable that will catch me.  It's all good!  It's .... ALL...good.'

The man below who held my rope yelled, "Ok, I'm gonna start counting."  I think I may have yelled out a sassy comment about having waited 1 1/2 hours from the last group that did the Leap of Faith.  I was last in line to do this from an earlier group in the day, and they shut the exercise down right before my turn...leaving me to wait through the employees lunch and break until I could try it again.  So, I said I would count myself down.  "Ooooonnnneeee.  Twwwwooooo."  I squatted for my jump.  Swang my arms back...and....yeah... those feet weren't goin' anywhere!!

Inner monologue: 'Ok.  Gut check time!  I know why this is difficult for me!  If I don't jump, I will feel horrible about myself and will not have chipped away at this core issue this exercise is bringing up for me.  TRUST.  That's it.  I have to jump.  I have to trust.  I have to let go of the distrust I have been holding onto like a precious treasure.  That's right, Girlie!  A precious treasure!  I have to choose...to have faith in the distrust or the trust?  I need to let go of the baggage of distrust! It's time. This jump is a moment for me to get back a piece of trust that had been taken away as a young girl.  Ok, Big Guy, this exercise is a huge metaphor playing out for what is happening everyday in my life.  I see where you are going with this, God.  Point taken.' (Sigh.) Inner monologue quiet.

Earlier in the day, before getting up on that pole, I waited 1 1/2 hours for the exercise to reopen.  Enough time to really think about the whole thing, and get really nervous.  In that time I thought to myself, 'Yo!?  Big Guy!?  Why you always makin' me wait?  My whole life has been a waiting game.  Really Dude!'  (Don't you love how I capitalize all my names for God?)  I realized that I was so nervous that I was not sure if being around my female friends was the best idea.  I mean after all, it was between God and I, wasn't it?  I could do it on my own!  Ok, I didn't need them around to witness that!  I'd just walk up there and do it!' So I had started to walk towards the Leap of Faith pole.  And theeeeen....I had started to walk back towards the cabin!  I texted some friends that were still at lunch,  "I think I may need some encouragement for this."  They texted back, "On our way!"  The next thing I knew I was telling my friends a multitude of emotions.  I had realized this exercise was a living metaphor for what I have trouble with...trusting.  I was being presented a moment to challenge me, as an opportunity to grow and learn. I felt honored and fortunate.   I so realized the significance and enormity of the moment for myself that I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.  I came apart.  (Good grief.)  The exercise was another layer in my healing from childhood sexual abuse.  I have come so far, and every once in awhile, I take another layer off that has been hindering me in my healing process.  Can you believe jumping off a pole was another layer?  I don't really remember much of what I said to my friends, while crying, only that I had diarrhea of the mouth with my feelings at that moment.  I just remember saying, "I'm gonna do this.  But I'm gonna do this messy."  This was a big thing for me.  I needed to let the emotions flow and honor the moment for myself.  I had earned it and I was going to reclaim a piece of something that had been stolen from me.  I needed to let myself cry all the way up the pole.  On the pole and after the pole.

And so I did.  I cried and cried and cried.  I really did feel quite a bit better after I let the tears flow and absorb the moment.  And as I stood on top of that pole having cussed, absorbed the scenery, visualized, put practical thinking to use, ...a new thought entered my mind, 'I really want to get off this pole.  And the only way off... is to jump.'  I remembered in my 1 1/2 hours of waiting, I prayed to God and told Him I understood that he wanted me to turn to Him and NOT do this alone.  He wanted me to reach out to Him.  He wanted me to come to Him and let go of my distrust and embrace the trust that He offers.  I realized my friends being there was making me feel better.  Their words of encouragement from below were helping.  (Ok, an 'ah ha' moment ...riiiiight...abooouuuut...here!)  So, I guess my lesson was that I try to do too much on my own and don't ask for encouragement and support enough in my life.  Sometimes I need help.  God wanted me to know that he is there to help and that my friends are still there too.  He was showing me I need to work on trusting and letting those that love me, in more often.

I felt the warmth of the sun on my back like a reassuring hand.  For me, when I visualize the essence of God in me, I visualize a light.  So knowing the sun was to my back, let me know He was there, and the heat of the sun was the transference of His strength to me.  At that moment I knew everything was going to be ok.  Not only was I going to be ok in jumping, but I would be ok in other areas of my life.  I just needed to trust the plan and purpose for my life and trust that He would always be there.  I needed to let friends and other loved one's in more often and open myself up to trust , no matter what.  (I always pray for "neon signs" from God, and I think the Leap of Faith counted as that.)

I didn't want the guy below to count, even though he had offered twice.  I had tried to count on my own and that didn't work.  So I said out loud, "I'm ready." I knew I needed someone else to count and motioned for my friends to start the countdown.  The sound of their voices would feel so supportive.  So, I had God,...and I had my friends.  And I knew it in my heart and soul.  I was ready.  "ONE.  TWO.  THREE!" 

I jumped.

I didn't catch the bar, but it was the jump that mattered most to me.  I was lowered down and my friends hugged me.  I realized that He had not made me wait, but that He had been waiting for me.  I chose to be last in line in the earlier group.  I chose to take awhile on that pole.  I had been choosing to just trust Him with my head and not my heart and soul.  I had been only dipping my toe into the waters of friendship and not truly diving all the way in.  I had not been surrendering to trust.

One of my friends brought my phone over to me to show me the pictures she had taken of me and said, "Erin, you have to see this photo."  This was the photo she took of me before I jumped.  I was overcome.

There is the sun, the reassuring warmth at my back. Wow!  I even got confirmation and a bonus awesome souvenir photo out of the deal!!

I write alot about making choices and attitude changes in the moment. The good news about making choices is that we are 'co-creators' in our lives, alongside the Big Artist in the sky Himself. We choose what our life looks and feels like throughout many moments on a daily basis. Sometimes these moments can be profound and even soul changing.  What is even more awe inspiring is when there is something bigger than ourselves at work. When everything lines up in a pin point moment in the universe and we have our 'Ah Ha!' moment; on every level I know of, that is Artful Living!

To my KC Ladies: Thank you for your encouraging words, hugs, and the final countdown.  I'm so glad I got to share such a special moment with you.  Thank you for the opportunity...it was life changing!

Many hands make light work

So,  I was reading an article in a magazine awhile back about a group of 6 friends that rotated helping between each other's creative decorative home projects.  As a former Interior Designer and a current Life Coach this doubly peaked my interest.  I loved that they were pitching in their creative talents and skills and then supporting one another and connecting.  Here is what they would do: One person in the group would have a project that they needed to complete or finish.  They would then buy and organize all supplies for the project and provide food and drinks for everyone helping.  The friends were invited over, each assigned a task and the project was finished in a day or weekend.  They then would rotate to the next person in the group, a month or 2 months later, that wanted their household project done.  The the same thing was done for that person.  This is such a great concept!  I mean as women in the season of raising children, these types of things on our "to do" list sit on that list for years!  We think, "How can I get this done all by myself?"  There is always the kid room to repaint and organize, dining room chairs to recover, baby's room to prepare, kitchen to clean out and organize, and garage sale to orchestrate.  This idea would be great for any and all of those, and could be utilized for any similar scenario.  More than anything, I love that they took work and looked for a way to make it easier on themselves individually and then also ended up making it fun and connective.  I am sure there was alot of laughing, talking, and bonding in friendships.  This is definitely the "Many hands make light work" approach in action.  These ladies took something that was potentially draining work and transformed it into efficient, fun, and connective time with their friends.  That is Artful Living!

Questions to ask yourself:
- What in your life is draining you and could be transformed into being easy, fun, and/or connective? How could the negative be turned into a positive?
- Is there something in your life that you are needing to ask for help on?  Is it hard for you to ask for help?  What could move you past the hangups for asking for help?  What action steps could be taken to move you to ask for help?
- What are the new possibilities on an old issue in your life?  Do you need an attitude shift on an old issue?
- Could the "many hands make light work" approach be utilized somewhere in your life?  Where?  What could that look like?  What are the steps necessary to move forward with putting it into action?