Paul says, "I came to you in weakness and in fear and with much trembling so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom but on God's power." 1 Corinthians 2
Paul says, "I glory in my weaknesses." "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12
My palms were sweaty and my heart was racing. Seriously?! This wasn't like me. I'm usually your "git up thar an git'er done girl".I get up on stage and up in front of people impromptu all the time and never have a problem. But today was different. For whatever reason, I felt I was not the best person to do the job and I was feeling emotionally messy on the inside. My outside circumstance was pushing me to get it together on the inside and fast, as I needed to go on stage in a matter of minutes. I struggled to gather my thoughts and I finally told myself, "I think I need to quickly grab someone else to do the job because in this moment, I'm not qualified." And then I said it over and over. Then it started to morph and repeat in other versions like...
"I can't do this."
"I'm not ready."
"I'm too emotional and messy to do this right now."
"__________, would be better. I am not the best person for this."
"I'm too this and not enough of that".
It was silly really, I just needed to go on stage after the speaker was finished and segue into a discussion time for a group of 150 women. It wasn't like I was giving testimony or a speaking for 45 minutes. Seriously, it was a segue! Just a few simple words! But this day's verbal transition was following a topic near and dear to my heart that tapped into my own past of being a sexual abuse survivor. And to be quite honest, I felt pretty unglued on the inside after listening to the speaker's statistics and descriptions. How was I going to get up and follow this difficult subject when I felt messy and personally attached on the inside? "I'm so not qualified."
I took a moment and stepped outside and took a long deep breath of the cool air and closed my eyes and prayed to God to step in and take over. And like always, He did and totally carried me through the moment I needed Him most.
Saying, "I'm not qualified." could be looked at by some as a weak or negative statement.
But it actually opens the door to our Heavenly Father.
Seriously. Can't you just see it?
We say "I'm not qualified." and the door heaves and creaks open.
God is on the other side.
He says,"Hello Sweetheart! Thank you for opening the door and letting me in. All I want is to help you and be here for you. Now, come here and let me hold you. Crawl up into my arms and I'll carry you through this. I've got this. I've got you."
I knew this day was coming.I had pushed the needle sitting on “e” too far this time.The purr of my car engine sputtered and
finally gave in.All was quiet.The car slowed …. I eased us to the
shoulder.I heaved a heavy sigh. Our morning was going to look a little
different.My phone dinged with texts
from people who needed my responses.I
picked it up to quickly respond but a message flashed onto the screen that 10%
was left on my cell phone battery. (God's blessing, for 10%). I
sighed putting it back down.Staring
down the road I visually gauged just how
far it really was to walk with two children to the gas station. (God's blessing, we were close to one.) “We can do this.” I muttered to myself.“We can do this.We can do this.”I grabbed a random full water bottle (another blessing) in my
car, locked it up and left it behind.The kids and I started walking. It
was farther than I had realized. The “self beat-up” started about this time.When had I
become too busy to fill my car up with gas?
My phone was fading fast. Another text dinged in.I could not use what little battery I had left
to respond to those few people.I got
conservative and decisive with my communication and chose only my husband’s
text as the one to respond to.Hoping
this would be the most efficient use of my cell battery. (Blessing,...it was enough charge to send a few texts).
How interesting….my car had run out of gas and was sitting
on the side of the road. Empty.My phone was fading.Almost empty.Me, taking a very long quiet walk on the side
of the road.Empty.I realized I identified with my car and my
phone in that moment.I had been fading
like my phone for quite some time, due to my choices with certain endeavors and
situations.And like my car, when you
don’t take the time to fill it up with what keeps it running, it stops.The car must sit and wait until it gets
filled up before it runs again.The phone
must take time to recharge.
Alright GOD, I’m
listening.
I realized in the moment that God had put it painfully in my
face that I need to fill up and recharge.That it is necessary to take the time and maybe even money to do
that.That I may have to cut out
certain things in my life and put more time into things that fill me up. And it may even be time to grab onto a new
direction. Or a new perspective on an old idea. HE also had put me in that
moment in a position to only depend on HIM.The moment was stripped or diminished of the “things” I depended on
daily.
We reached the gas station and bought the “last” gas can (blessing) on
their shelves. Filled it up and began our journey back to the
car.As we walked back, the kids were
silent.They were tired. The gas can was heavy to carry.I switched from hand to hand as each arm grew
weary.I was getting grumpier with every
step.I watched as car after car passed
us; swerving over in their lane each time to accommodate us. It wasn’t like they didn’t see us.I grew
angry.Needless to say, I was so over my
current situation (and many other situations in my life). I was down right weary in spirit. Not one person had
stopped to ask if we needed help.Like a
woman with a“red gas can of shame” in
hand and two children is NOT obvious?! We didn't really need help...but somehow I needed to know someone cared. I
watched as more cars swerved and stared, rubber necking even.My anger turned to hate.And when I say hate, I mean the kind of hate
that makes you hot and prickly all over.The kind of HATE that makes you imagine yourself throwing a rock at the
windshields of each passing car. The kind of hate that leads you to fantasize about having a good ole fashioned temper tantrum on the side of the road. Empty.
God had brought my life to a screeching halt to have a
conversation and deal with what was really bothering me.
I was mad at God. I didn't feel like he cared or valued me anymore.
I wasn’t mad at Him for my current situation, but rather because
of other life endeavors and multiple situations. My current circumstance was more of a great living metaphor for where I had been in my heart for some time.I felt rejected by Him.I felt of no worth to Him. That He had taken back what he had given me years ago.
I thought of all the projects, works and circumstances I've been involved with over the years and how I had been striving.Striving hard.Empty.I kept trying to prove myself of worth and
value through them. To myself and others. Constantly.
On the
side of the road lugging a gas can and motivating two whiny kids to keep
moving….. I was on empty and I was ready to have it out with God.My “Fightin’ Irish” came out.I got
really nasty with God at that moment as I watched HIS children pass HIS other children, my kids
and I.“God, you ask me as a Christian to be
the hands and feet of Jesus to THEM?!Why?” I had no Grace for my fellow man.
Empty.More hate.“I have given and given and given and it
seems that people just want more and more.It is never enough.And my unique
gifts?That YOU gave me? Don’t even seem to be enough or valued.Thanks for nothing!And all of these people passing by?…just
proves you don’t love me or find me of worth and value.”(Blessing...I, full of so much anger and no grace for
anyone.He, full of unending Love and
Grace for me in that moment.)
It’s a no-brainer that I have deep issues with worth and
value that extend back to a father who molested me and a mother who ignored the
situation. It’s painfully obvious.That morning God and I were down to the
basics and the root of it all.When I
accepted Jesus four years ago, I told Him, “You are my new parent.”But when your only reference point of a
parent is of rejection, emotional abandonment, abuse, manipulation, and
distrust…sometimes it can be a long hard road to trust and continually accept the
love of God. I'm a messy Christian....it’s a journey....a process.Sometimes, like our own children, even we test our parent.I was testing Him.And like a “good” parent, He loved me through
my tirade at Him on the side of the road.
Just then an elderly gentleman slowed to ask if he could be
of assistance.My car was feet in front
of me.I assured him we were fine.He drove on.
(Blessing.)
God sent someone to show me He cared.
“Ok, so you love me.”
Can’t you just see the child in me with crossed arms, pouty
lip, and a tapping foot at this point?Still fighting His love?
We made it back to the car.My husband showed up by this time.
(Blessing.) He even poured the gas in the tank for me. All relieved. I drove my kids to school.
I got back in the car after dropping off the kids and heard Tenth
Avenue North’s song “By Your Side”.I came undone. So many times I pick back up the very thing I originally laid down at the cross 4 years ago. It wasn’t until that moment that morning, I let His
love wash over me and accept how much he loves me and finds me of
worth and value.I’m a tough nut and a real pill
sometimes.Well,… all the time. The words of the song tied the entire morning
together and I finally fully received His love in the words, of "By Your Side" as if they were
straight from God himself at that moment. (BLESSING .... RECEIVED!!!!)
I hope you'll be encouraged by the song too.
Big hugs to ALL of my fellow beautiful messy peeps!
